||[Nov. 17th, 2008|03:55 pm]
I have met guys that are (what I’d describe as) “subs by proxy” or “lazy subs.”
They only describe themselves as “sexually submissive” because it means they don’t have to do any work and it keeps their partner happy. They also don’t really have a huge interest in BDSM and just go along with it for “the sake of a quiet life” and, again, don’t really comprehend where on the sub/Dom scale they fall, so they describe themselves as “submissive” for lack of a better term.
They’re not into pain, they’re not into being “owned” or any of the other “headfuck” domination stuff, they just love lying there having things done to them, rather then being the one doing all the “doing”…if you see what I mean.
It’s not quite the same thing as being “truly” submissive…and when you pair that with a Dom/me who leans more towards the “God/Goddess worship” side of things then you end up with two lazy ass people who’d rather watch TV then fuck because it’s less stress and hassle.
It’s not a good combination.
I’m sure many Dom/mes have come across the fem equivalent and been highly confused when on the one hand she likes it when you “use” her, but when you go that little bit “too far” she hits the roof and comes across as a schizophrenic nutcase that doesn’t know what it is she really wants.
I should know…I used to be that kind of woman _
It’s about differentiating between that desire to be “tended to” and idea of “letting someone else do all the work.” One is a “dominant” lazy mindset and the other is a lazy attitude which can easily be construed as “submissive.”
Remember, there are people out there who are more then happy to tend to you, and there are those that will happily “use” you for their own ends….and then there are those that are just plain old lazy :p
It took a lot of soul-searching and poking the boarders of my “comfort zone” to finally work out what it is I enjoy and where I fall on the sub/Dom scale. I enjoy being tended to, worshiped, pampered and obeyed; I also enjoy a little sexual cruelty and sadism, my favourite methods being administering unexpected thwacks with my riding crop and humiliation for any misdemeanours. I’ve never enjoyed being told what to do, being hurt or being “used” yet there was always something about lying there and being pleasured that I couldn’t resist…of course, this led to may crossed wires over the years.
The reason it took so long to find this out was because I’d been bought up being fed messages that will be familiar to many women in recent years. I was told that it’s “selfish” to want someone else to do things for you, that a strong woman does everything herself and “doesn’t need anyone else.” That it wasn’t egalitarian to have power over your partner and, of course, that a woman’s place is to be pursued and “chosen” by a man yet, at the same time (and thanks to feminism) you are your own person and it’s not your job to “give men what they want.”
All this left me in a kind of limbo. Combine that with the kind of environment I grew up in (watching my mother bully my father and then, when she met my late step-dad, become a victim of abuse herself) and for a long time I was left thinking BDSM just wasn’t for me and that anyone who participated in it had some serious problems that they needed to address.
Anyone that wanted to hurt people must be “sick in the head” and anyone that wanted to be hurt should be striving to rid themselves of this desire, not indulging in it.
Anyone who felt the need to “dominate” their partner was a bully and a control freak, and anyone that wanted to be dominated must have terribly low self-esteem and almost zero sense of self-worth.
Healthy minded people wanted equality and loving “normal” sex. Not to be hurt, humiliated, in command or any other “kink” that was being touted as “healthy” and “normal” by certain sections of the population.
What turned me was realising that many of the people I’d met and had relations with over the years were, in some way or another “kinky.” And that I could continue burying my head in the sand or I could grow a pair and actually come to terms with my fears and reservations about BDSM.
So I did some investigation, I read many books and I read interviews with many different people (Doms and subs, Tops and bottoms, Trans, gay, lesbian, cross-dressers, all sorts) and I realised that, although I’ll never be able to fully comprehend what people get out of being hurt, humiliated and dominated, it’s never done in an abusive or non-consensual manner.
Sometimes, it’s even done lovingly…
It also helped me to discover my own “kink” which, if I’m honest, I don’t consider “kinky” at all.
I enjoy being treated like a Queen, what woman wouldn’t?