|Straightedging: A body rebelling? (pt 3)
||[May. 7th, 2009|01:16 pm]
RE: the previous blog. I went out, I didn’t drink, I didn’t run into any fucktards and I did really well at holding my ground online in retaliation for what those pig ignorant metalhead twats said to me. Go me!
Anyway, for the last couple of days I’ve been going through the usual PMT sober. So I’ve been cramping and feeling a tad angry (but not half as much as I usually do), very tired and, unfortunately, very down. I’ve also been getting lots of odd aches and pains in what I can only assume is my kidney/liver region…which is confusing, seeing as how I haven’t drunk anything or taken anything that would fuck with those organs, not even painkillers! O.O
So, the physical stuff aside, the mental stuff still seems to be an issue. I’m wondering how much of it is purely the hormonal flux and how much of it is the depression. Been feeling lonely, ugly, like a total failure, like I probably deserve all the crap I get because I’m not a “proper” woman and so on and so forth. I’ve taken to not dressing up in “girly” stuff (not even fitted t-shirts) anymore for the simple fact that the whole reason for me going straightedge was to feel better in myself, physically, mentally, all that crap. Part of that was deciding that I didn’t need to dress to impress others, just to be comfortable in myself. Another part was the whole “not being a sex object anymore” aspect. Whilst I am physically much more comfortable in baggy jeans, tees, no make-up and un-fussed hair, there’s something within me getting uppity about the situation.
I think it’s part instinct and part ingrained ideas of female self-worth being tied up with how others perceive you (as a female.) To break it down:
Basic hygiene is a must. Nothing wrong with wanting to be clean. It’s better for you physically as well as mentally, and I’ve never been keen on wallowing around in my own filth. The only times I ever have let my hygiene standards slip were when I was suicidal and, seeing as how I at least don’t feel that bad anymore, keeping myself clean and fresh for my own benefit is a bit obvious.
But beyond that things get a bit cloudy.
Clothes. Having spent most of my early childhood and adolescence with no kind of dress sense at all it was nice to finally work out what looked good on me and what I was comfortable in…then I started thinking a bit more about the whole feminist-paranoia “women dress for other people, men dress for themselves” thing. The fact that men get to dress in t-shirts and jeans or comfy shirts and trousers and women have to crow-bar themselves into ridiculous dresses/skirts/tops/corsets etc otherwise they’re seen as “ugly.” I noticed that I was practically invisible unless I had my cleavage or my legs out. So I figured “fuck that, I’m going to wear whatever the fuck I want. And I want to be comfortable.” Hence the baggies and the loose tees…but I still find myself thinking that I look “ugly” or that I should “make more of an effort.”
Make-up. I’ve never been one to go hell for leather with makeup. The only time I did was when I was going through my little “nuber Goth” phase and wore whiteface as often as possible. Now it’s pretty much eye makeup, a bit of concealer and lipstick and that’s it…but sometimes you think “what’s the point? I’m only going for a walk” and don‘t bother with anything. I’ve always liked eyeliner, I like the way it makes everyone’s eyes stand out. I don’t even see it as a gender issue anymore. But as for the whole “must be made up or else” attitude that seems to exist, I’m not sure if I can continue to consciously or subconsciously adhere to such social “bullying.” Yeah, ok, I do realise that makes me some sort of macho sexual terrorist or something but really, what’s the point in it?…but still I find myself thinking I should “try” to look “nice.”
Hair. Now I like hair. I like changing my hairstyle as often as possible. I like playing with it an doing things with it. But I do now sport a hairstyle that could be seen as “less then feminine” due to the fact it’s partially shaved. I have often worried that I’ve made myself “ugly” with the way I’ve styled it…
This underlying niggling that I feel is what is bothering me. I know that I shouldn’t give a shit and primarily I don’t. Yet it’s still there, clawing away, undermining the blossoming sense of self worth before it’s even had a chance to shine. Which has lead me to an interesting conclusion…
The desire to look “attractive” is nothing to do with social acceptance and fashion, and everything to do with the instinct to breed.
Social norms come and go, and fashion is an ambiguous concept completely separate from human genetics. What is “fashion” in one society is “unfashionable” in another. What is socially acceptable when it comes to appearance in one culture is social suicide in another.
The fact is whilst I understand that fighting the genetic urge to pair up and reproduce is hard, thankless work, it’s still something I have to do if I don’t want to end up as just another statistic or else deeply unhappy, not just biologically confused or frustrated. I know that I cannot base my sense of self-worth on whether or not people want to fuck me. I know that I cannot base my self esteem on whether or not other people think I’m attractive. I know that I cannot base my present and future happiness on whether or not I have a fucking boyfriend. But still that annoying fucking whining that is my biological urge to “nest build” continues to needle away at me in many different ways. And the desire to “look nice” appears to be one of them. I have to ask myself why I want to “look nice.” Who am I “looking nice” for? What even constitutes “looking nice?” And why does it seem to bother me that I’m practically invisible unless I’ve got my legs and/or cleavage out?
Is it right to fight ones own biology? Is that really the path to true happiness and self-fulfilment? Maybe I should stop being a bitch and throw on a nice frock? Maybe I should stop being so precious and just accept that people will see me as a sex object and gross people will hit on me if I try and “look nice” and there’s not allot I can do about it?
EuurrrRRAAAGHHHH!!! FUCKING biology! D: